Purpose

I've been feeling quite homesick. It's inevitable as I've haven't had a stable home since July. I'm thankful for my new Nepali friends as well as the other volunteer at the second clinic (first Ari and Lisa, now Bonnie), but I also appreciate the difficulty of being away from anywhere stable and the opportunity that that little hardship presents.

Clinic staff; goodbye party for Devi (with the scarves, flowers, and red tikka)

As humans, it is through trials that we are transformed. Many people feel this in small ways; they have a fight with a significant other that brings new understanding and deepens the relationship, or someone may struggle to learn a new concept and feel a sense of accomplishment once it is finally grasped. But how often do you peer into your own soul? When do you take time to think about your Purpose? Relationships (romantic and otherwise) may offer a reflection, but it is an altogether different experience to directly peer into your own depths.

Saru (midwife) and I visiting the tea garden

The truth is, I returned back to Nepal because of the emptiness and loneliness I felt when I was last here. At that time, I had spent my 21 years on this planet thinking about the ‘next step’ and waiting for my life to begin, which I referred to as ‘becoming a real adult’. First I have to graduate high school, then college, find a partner, get my career started, be financially stable….subconsciously I believed that achieving these steps would bring about stability, knowing, confidence, and happiness. It took the realization that I choose the wrong career when earning my bachelors degree to start to break that tenuous belief.

Tea flower

Maybe a trip to the other side of the world will clear my head and set me on the right track…

So I came to Nepal, not yet knowing what I was searching for. I learned that accepting uncertainty, instability, and impermanence were what it really means to be an ‘adult’. I suddenly realized that I had unwittingly become a ‘real’ adult’. First came elation, then came pain and loneliness. I understood that there are no series of achievements in life where everything becomes magically perfect. Signing a piece of paper; regardless of if it is for a business contract or a marriage does not automatically make that thing perfect and whole. Life is always challenging and always changing. Even when we are surrounded with people, we are still a discrete, separate unit and have to work to maintain our relationships and continuously strive for happiness.

View from the Chanauti (second) clinic

Even within my profound sense of emptiness I felt more alive than I had ever felt. No longer was I constantly distracted by the ‘next step’. I had stepped off of the prescribed path and was fumbling around in the dark with many more new questions than answers. But this new path felt more right. I had begun my search for my Purpose.

Sunrise in Bhotechaur (main clinic)

Through Chinese Medicine I learned more about the connectivity that exists where we sometimes feel separateness. The cosmos, the planet, and all living things are all interrelated. Humans (and maybe other living things) were given the gift of introspection, and so held a special place between Heaven and Earth with the potential of becoming a Sage (enlightened). The difficulty here existed in that these great teachings were delivered in a more-or-less standard modern teaching style, even with NCNM’s efforts to maintain a Classical approach. This standard model encourages that old ‘next step’ feeling, and leaves that dark, lonely, and oh-so-alive path overgrown with weeds.

View from Bhotechaur

I desired to again return to that path, and was drawn to Nepal where I had first discovered it. Of course, you don’t need to go anywhere to find what is inside yourself, but a complete change in everything familiar lends itself to introspection.

It’s difficult to feel that sense of Purpose and not have any prescribed way to achieve it. There’s no one to walk the path with you, for it is your path and yours alone. We all have teachers that help us along the way, or a friend that walks with us for a while, and if you are listening and watching you will find signs to point you in the right direction. And while I feel confident in my metaphors, I actually have no idea what I’m doing; but something propels me along nonetheless. So, there is the loneliness, the pain, and that amazing, brilliant, profound sense of being really alive.